Wish you were here
I recently joined the Critters on-line critiquing group.
So far it’s been a great experience. I ended up chatting with one of the other writers whose story I had submitted a critique on.
We got to talking about how we came to love the genres of science fiction and fantasy.
I know where mine comes from and it’s part of what makes me want to be a writer.
My father introduced me to fantasy and science fiction. When I was aged 8 or so, he sat at my bedside for many nights, reading JRR Tolkien’s “The Hobbit” to me. I could just snuggle up under the covers and immerse myself in the tale, picturing everything.
It was a book he loved and he wanted to share that love with me. I’ve never felt closer to my father or more loved by him than on those magical evenings. They were truly special and I will treasure them all my life.
He also had Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” and Frank Herbert’s “Dune” trilogy on his bookshelf. They were his favourites. He said I wasn’t old enough yet to read them, but that one day I would.
Well, that day did come when I got to read those stories and I loved them too.
Only my father wasn’t around to talk about them with.
I lost my father when I was 12 years old. He committed suicide 18 months after my parents marriage broke up, swallowed by the major depression that he had struggled with all his life.
He was in so much pain that even the love he felt for us, his children, was not enough to keep him here.
Even as a 12 year old, I knew on some level that I was losing my father. I could sense the aching sadness slowly eating him. My sister and I used to stay with him on weekends as part of the access arrangement and each time, a little more of his will to live had faded.
But I was just a kid, and there was nothing I could do.
Nothing except feel the aching hole in my life when he was gone.
That was 28 years ago now, and I don’t feel the loss every day any more, but when I do remember him, it still hurts just the same.
I’m a father with a son and daughter of my own now.
When my wife and I were at that stage when you decide to start telling people close to you the happy news, I’m always aware there is one person I would dearly love to tell.
But I can’t.
As I’ve grown up, I’ve visited some of the same dark places my father did. But I had more resources around me – so I’m still here.
My heartfelt thanks goes out to all the counsellors, loved ones and friends who helped me make it through those long dark nights of the soul.
I’ve spent 7 years in Men’s Support Group work, initially as a participant and later as a facilitator to give back something to the men whose stories, love and compassion helped save my life.
I wasn’t able to save my father. But maybe, by being there for other men suffering like he was, I’ve been able to stop some other little boy losing his father and having to suffer like I do. I like to think so.
The title of this post is a Pink Floyd song that I remember my father playing on his stereo. He loved music too, another gift he shared with me. The song is about Syd Barrett, one of the original members of Pink Floyd, who also succumbed to mental illness.
Dad, for you, I have cried a river. And I’m crying still.
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
- Wish You Were Here, Pink Floyd (1975)
November 8th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Aw, this made me cry. I can’t even think about what life without my Dad would be like, it was bad enough when he recently moved to another city. In some ways we are always children, no matter how old we get.
I really enjoyed reading how you came to love science fiction and fantasy, so thank you
Oh and maybe I’ll crit something of yours some day! I’m pretty new to Critters but finding it a really great site.
Part of me just wants to give you a massive hug, so *hugs*, I know it changes nothing about having lost your father, but there it is all the same.
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November 8th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
Thanks, Cassie
That means a lot to me.
My experience of support groups is that it’s the telling and the being heard by others that seems to help the most.
And yes, Critters is proving to be pretty cool. And I recommend the newsgroup as well if you’ve not ventured there yet.
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December 21st, 2008 at 3:04 am
“My experience of support groups is that it’s the telling and the being heard by others that seems to help the most.”
That’s why I write. The telling and being heard…
Thank you for your honesty to self and willingness to share something so personal. It is a touching piece and well written.
Would you two tell me more about critters? I’m intrigued and I have a short story….
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Paul reply on December 21st, 2008 8:11 am:
Yep. Writing. Support groups. Therapy. Same process, different name (and content).
I have some even more personal posts I could write but they involve the living, so it’s a bit trickier for me, ethically. I’m still mulling it over.
As for Critters, see http://www.critters.org
Essentially, the way it works is that you sign up and receive other writer’s stories to offer critiques of. And provided you meet your minimum quota (roughly a minimum of one a week), you can submit your stories into the Queue to be critiqued in exchange.
The writers have all different skill levels and backgrounds but it includes many who are published short story authors. There is nothing like getting other writers to look over your work – they see things (and are more honest about them) than non-writer friends and relations
Ostensibly, it’s intended for stories in the speculative fiction genres, i.e. SF, fantasy, and horror but I expect pretty much any piece of short fiction would receive critiques.
What genre (if any) is your short story in?
And I’d be happy to exchange critiques with you, via Critters or not, if you’d like.
I just had a 2,500 word horror short story go through the process and received 18 very insightful critiques to help me with rewriting.
It’s a wonderful learning experience – I’ve learned as much (if not more) from critiquing that I have in being critiqued!
I can’t recommend it enough.
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December 21st, 2008 at 9:44 am
I’m off to check it out.
This short story is long (5900 words or close) and a bit of horror, a bit of suspense, a bit of supernatural….and none of them, I think. It only has a working title and getting help with a real title would be nice. Two people have read it, neither of them writers. I think about 1500 words should come out, but they say don’t cut.
Let me get through what’s on my plate today and I might be able to get it out to a couple folks tomorrow if you are still interested.
Off to check out Critters and thank you for the info!
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Paul reply on December 21st, 2008 10:05 am:
A bit of horror, suspense and also none of the above. Sounds like just my kind of story
Yes, I’ll be more than happy to offer you a critique. I’ll send you my personal email address so you can send me the draft.
I have yet to rework ‘Slug Bait’, the short story that has been through it’s first round of Critters. Being Xmas and all, I may not get to it until some time in the New Year.
Once I’ve done that, how do you feel about offering me a critique in return? I’d be interested in your opinion as another cross-genre writer who taps into the personal.
After all, writers helping other writers get published is what it’s all about.
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December 21st, 2008 at 11:22 am
I would be honored to swap critiques with you.
I just pulled up the text and it weighs in at a hefty 6342 words. I have it saved in .rtf for Wordpad unless you prefer something different.
Cassie, do you want it also?
I’ve spent quite some time on the Critters website and will evaluate my calendar in hopes of fitting it in after my revised website and a new project launch.
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Paul reply on December 21st, 2008 11:55 am:
Cool. RTF format is fine.
And yeah, Critters is indeed a time commitment. But if you can swing it, it’s worth it.
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December 21st, 2008 at 6:41 pm
I’ll second the Critters recommendation. And yes I’d love it!
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December 22nd, 2008 at 1:07 am
You both have mail. Eep! Time to run and hide.
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